Turn your attention this way

Haven’t you been quietly waiting for this?

Because I’ve seen the looks you give

I have felt the heat behind your lens and 

perceived the silent intensity of your imaginary kiss

Maybe because you dismissed the potential

The present is left to be in question

Is this real or just a myth?

Let me set your record straight

This is a genuine interest

I am genuinely interested in the ways that you are not a narcissist

In the way you make your living by focussing on other people’s bliss

I see your calculated movements

and I can see your brain waves moving fluid

enjoying all the moments you are using, watching and choosing

You're hiding something.
Behind the mask of "truth seeking"
behind the guise of buddha reason
behind the smile you wear so easy,
there is something that is missing.
I don't know you well enough
to know for sure what is hidden,
but I can feel it.
Like I could feel the energy between us,
when you first kissed me.
Like I can feel your nervousness
that I might see you
as you are
and not as you want to be visioned.
I only want the real thing.
I am willing to work through any of it.
But I won't hang around
if you don't open your heart and
let the light into the shadowy parts.
I require a lot of the people I share
my mind, my body and my heart with.
If you want to be with me,
if you want to discover how
amazing my love is,
then let me in.

Transformations

Walking backward, walking forward

Turning circles around the driveway that is missing

I enter this house a new person

I enter this house the same girl I always was

I enter this house to exit my past

I am covered in paint and bleach

I am missing you

I walk through the doorway

scratched and dirty

Into the room that is striving for living

I sit down in the chaos of my existence

Yearning for order and peace

Searching for some kind of vision

I retreat

I pass the book shelf you built

Sturdy and beautiful

look down at the floor that wears the tear of your years

This room is empty

half of her removed, remnants of you remain

Still in process of becoming a healthy space for me

The new light fixture casting pale blue on the clean walls

Moving up through the broken treads of the stairs

I find solace in my bathtub

Submerge myself like I did when I was

small enough to fit so easily here

Claw foot comforts as the water covers my face

I scream underwater

I scream into nothing and no one can hear this

I lay and remember

Moving in Stillness

The forward reach that seeks to be somewhere other than where you exist.

Seems to be a misuse of kinetic energy, according to the Buddha sphere

but should inertia replace, that is the active static state of going nowhere,

because energy that sits too still becomes stagnation and eventually decline.

It seems clear that movement is part of a healthy energetic existence,

but how do you keep moving while still staying present enough to be right here?

The catalyst of you

Can I leave?

Can I walk away and not feel like I've abandoned my friend?

All the hopes and the dreams that were the only glue that bound us together

Have begun to dissipate into the atmosphere.

And we are left standing here, misinterpreting each others words

Mishearing each others desires

Still trying to form the other into what we are hoping for

I am not what you want, you are not what I need.

Do we have the strength individually to be the adults we want to be

and say without any hurt feelings that it's time to move on now

It's time to let go.

It's time to be the people that we are, alone, and maybe someday

meet somebody different

who is compatible.

Enough

I've had enough

Nothing is ever enough

What is the point of staying in love

When I can't love

Your life as is

Not enough to keep me feeling satisfied

I am sick with hesitation

I've been hesitating for 6 months

We don't have enough to talk about

When you're away

Your plan is to stay away

I can't wait

Not when there isn't enough to hold me here

When Mountains Fall

You can step out of your height

I could never climb you anyway

You were unreachable

I fell to the ground from trying

and when mountains fall

the crash is bright

So walk away and let me build my mountain

Wavering slowly on a rapid decline

You just left us here

to fight over your body

To wallow in pathetic horror

To be forced to be together when we hate each other so

We love each other some

Not enough to stay together

Not enough to stand the pains of years laid wasted

So you got out early on good behaviors

she thought she could go on vacation

but she was mistaken

because all she got was psych ward and more medication

I want to break the cycle of the man who isn't available

The alone that drives me crazy

is enough to cause an ice age in my veins

So now with him, will I be alone again?

Is he available in a different way that no one else has been

Even if physically he is often not really with me.

But he loves me he says

As if those words were enough to cover over the other stuff

the stuff that never seems to move fast enough for me

I want to be free or tied to someone who wants to be tied to me

someone who will watch over me

Someone who doesn't cower from the idea of devotion

I need to be in trust, not just in love.

All these reflections on the lake of my valley

as I bend over to see clearly

my stones begin to topple over

Then I crumble

the crash was not so bright

This mountain has fallen.