Transformations

Walking backward, walking forward

Turning circles around the driveway that is missing

I enter this house a new person

I enter this house the same girl I always was

I enter this house to exit my past

I am covered in paint and bleach

I am missing you

I walk through the doorway

scratched and dirty

Into the room that is striving for living

I sit down in the chaos of my existence

Yearning for order and peace

Searching for some kind of vision

I retreat

I pass the book shelf you built

Sturdy and beautiful

look down at the floor that wears the tear of your years

This room is empty

half of her removed, remnants of you remain

Still in process of becoming a healthy space for me

The new light fixture casting pale blue on the clean walls

Moving up through the broken treads of the stairs

I find solace in my bathtub

Submerge myself like I did when I was

small enough to fit so easily here

Claw foot comforts as the water covers my face

I scream underwater

I scream into nothing and no one can hear this

I lay and remember