Unavailable

What a funny way to understand myself
through the reflection of the you
that was the me that I was projecting
While you were deflecting
It told me everything I need to know
About why I have this dichotomy
of wanting to love what is unavailable
because I know it can't love me back
because in truth I am not ready to be loved
at least not yet
and certainly not too much
I only attract that kind of love so that I can reject it
While this kind I reach out for,
and at the same time wouldn't really want
if it was given to me,
it's the one I hold on for
just hoping to enjoy it for the physical joy
because I am a girl who is so shallow
as to want to love for fun
and then be happy
to walk away
both of us unscathed
and only someone who is unavailable would be able to
share love with me in this way and not be afraid
at least that's how it works in my dreams
but they're never real...
and it never seems to really work that way

The end... and the beginning

The end has arrived
or rather the beginning
the beginning of life ever after
Life after the death of the semester
well, for the time being
I could decide to finish a Master's
as some point
long ways away
for now, I'll enjoy what will feel like freedom
freedom from being treated the way
children do
like they couldn't possibly have anything good to say
without the approval of a grade
The period has finally arrived to be
Fully alive
First by allowing my body its resting time
then by occupying my space with my choosing
not because I have been assigned
or because I am on a deadline
but because I want to spend my hours
in that particular fashion
No more required reading
No more critiques of my aesthetic dreaming
No more pretending to agree to get a letter for the record
No more dealing with the bullshit of the smoke screen of the lessons
Not that I didn't learn my lot and plenty of it
I certainly don't regret any moments
though I wonder how some could have played out
just a little bit different
Most of it has to do with the circumstances that surrounded
the life that was happening the whole while
and the real shit that had to be dealt with
while having to put up with much of the banal bullshit
but it's done now
I can move on
and go home.
Home, where my heart has been waiting
for the past year
when I left it there
to be held safely
It's been carefully protected
I want to be reunited with it
and with all of the people who have held it so close
My family of choosing
My wonderful community
who I long to be near
and grow old along with.
Pittsburgh, you magical hub of magical beings whom I so love dearly
I can't wait to reach back into your soil and
grow a steady foundation of roots to ground me
and dance to the music of the people who move me
and make art with the people who I find inspiring
and make love to someone
whoever that may be
I long for the life that is waiting for me
and the life that I am living now
will be a time of reflective peace
until that time comes
when I'm at the end of the beginning and
am finally simply exisiting

Artist Statement

She wants my artist statement
Cause she wants to give me a grade on it
she thinks I have to to write it all out
they all think you have something to prove
It's not enough to be
You have to say exactly why you are
And describe how
In words that no one even cares about
except that you have to do it
because those are the rules
So I gave her a few sentences
That were exactly the truth
Apparently they weren't enough
to suit her
I should have used more words
to say the same thing
So it looked like I had more to say
Because content never matters as much as appearance anyway

Content

I wonder sometimes what people think when they read my poetry
If they take my words too seriously
If they try to weave a story
If that were true I bet it would be confusing
Some of my poems are about specific people
A variety of them from the past
some who remain part of my present
whose relationships I am still working my feelings out with
because our entanglements were somewhat recent
Not just 'the big one' but a few minor ones too
but most of my poems aren't about anyone in particular
they're addressed to a fictional "you"
an ideal character who takes the form
of a variety of abstract figures
just a projection of my hopes and desires
what I want to bring into my future
abstract emotions of a longing to remember
love's fire

End of the Race

So close
The finish line is just ahead
Finally at the end able to run it out
Not crawling instead
Still a buzzing in my face
but I can handle that
What's at the end of this five year race?
Will I go home and grow some roots?
Can I make a difference and change the news?
Is my path defined and waiting for me
Or do I have a chance to re-carve it?
Will I meet a boy or will it be a girl?
Find a love and settle down?
The questions are still open
There's so much I still don't know yet
Still a few more weeks left
I finally feel the confidence to make it through
I'll look back at these days and laugh sometime soon

Unspoken

This narrative unspoken
You're watching behind
smoke screens and choking
On fears and indecision
She's watching closely to know
if there is something between us,
If there is it's news to me
I barely hear you breath
but I can feel your heart beat
Just not sure it's worth it
Chasing after some dream I had
Some vision of other wordly purpose
I want a soul that's fearless
That can see through the bullshit
distinguishing the truth from
the stuff that you see on the surface
Who isn't afraid to call it by name
To shout it out and say
I can see you, I can remember
the color of your veins
I know from which source
your emotion reins
From which color sky your sun hangs
and I can feel your skin even when it's
a million miles away