Suffocation

I have no room in here

Here which is the place we call being together

My feelings are allowed no space

my needs allowed no grace

My opinions no platform to breathe

The ceiling and walls that surround us

are closing in

I'm done with this

I'm through feeling like I'm crowding you

I deserve more than this

More than you

Someone who is capable of loving me

Without all the drama of his self-preserve

So here is your night to be alone

And when you awake

You will have many many more

Perfect

I know what perfection is

I've seen its face

I know its touch

I know what it tastes like

and how it smells

I could drink perfection

until the morning comes

It is just out of my reach

But not out of my fingers

I cannot hold it

and keep it close

but I can knead my knuckles

into the muscles

that hold it up, though

It's just that perfection doesn't seem to know

Just how perfect I am for him

just how lovely this thing could be

Overture

How quickly we fall

slipping from

perfection

The cracks widen

and the once smooth

surface of this love

becomes rough and dangerous

I can no longer touch

without fear of

wounding my own skin

piercing

piercing

piercing

Hit once

wings open and mouths protrude

Air between fingers

I feel support within

flying by my own movement

suddenly love finds its way home again

Denial

Always wanting to be more

Trying to be stronger

I pretend that I have no feelings

The only one I can fool is myself

Fooling my own heart into repression

Now that sadness is bubbling up

The sign are saying it will erupt

If I don't allow it a voice to scream with

Ajya my love

Finally the mourning greets me

Or, should I say, finally I can greet the mourning

Six circles around the sun to realize my loss

These pangs of regret and fear that I am grappling

that I had been shoving into the closet

Do threaten to take me down

Did I really make the right choice?

Was it all worth what I've left behind?

It's easy to keep the wolves at bay

When you're in a constant motion around them

Its in the stillness that the threat is bare

How easily the tears now flow

Remembering that beating heart

Feeling your life grow inside of me

I am sorry that I let you go

These words I was so afraid to speak

They now echo into my heart

I see the other ones grow

I wonder what your face would look like

I wonder what your eyes would say

I wonder how your tiny hands might feel

Here I am with this feeling of alone

Alone without you to love

You had given me a chance

To really love someone

And I chose to love someone else

Someone in the future

Someone who may never arrive

So here are tears of mourning

For my child's loss of life

I am starting to see

It's not that I've been deceived

But the truth of your present is bleeding

bleeding out from the image of your potential

Is there any room dear?

You seem to have it all under wraps

just loose enough to let me stand under

then with one swift pull

you push me out and

shut yourself in

I don't quite fit

You want to keep it all to yourself

because that's the way it is I guess

Moon Moods

Oh this familiar flood

The water rushes on

and drenched my heart with a sadness I can't be sure of

Why do we seek such pain?

when we have something so great?

I shouldn't be so afraid to disappoint you

I can't always be the one

you think I ought to

and this life is my own

I will never be perfect

So give me the chance

To be who I am

Make sure you aren't projecting your own ideas

Giving

Details of you traced with a spoon

Stirring up all the little microscopic molecules

Your skin has indentations where my love fits

Sitting carefully alongside my hope and my dreams

Allow me to love you this way

Give me the freedom to care for your being

Never underestimate me

Never think for a moment I need you for existence

I am capable and full, and it's the fullness

That allows me to give this

The plethora of energy, the substance of love

This is not an empty touch or a malnourished hug

I don't think you had any idea who I was

When you wished for this

So here it is, is it really what you want?

Just be sure to return it some

Please be kind to me

it's really all I ask

it's not too difficult a task

don't be mean if I am kind to you as well

Imperfect me, Imperfect you

Elevate with rope burns on my womb

bring me up bring me up sacrifice me to someone

Deep trenches of yellow, of yellow and blue

buried my hands in my purple wound

So cataclysms, so catechism

so hanging by iron and wood for forgiveness

so what if i don't believe

what if it's all the lies that are the sins

so when can I be forgiven?

Giving in to wrench and the hammer

Thought I fixed that door yesterday

you heard all the clammer

So why is it still unhinged?

How did it break again so soon

This time I'll leave all the fixing to you

but the room has cleared, and dust has settled

and that image of bare bones collapsed in the puddle.

There is only question I've still left to say

If you love me then please try to stay

invisible battles

This loud chatter from inside fills me

a feeling so empty

the silence in the room around echoes in my ear

This is what loneliness is

This is what it means to be on your own

I miss you and I know that I don't

just miss the presence you occupied

I miss knowing you

I miss feeling your thoughts in your skin

I miss seeing your feelings bleed from your eyes

Even if you couldn't speak them

Even if I had to drag meaning from your tongue

I long for those moments again

To feel like I existed for someone

Our bodies tangled as we slept

Holding on to one another like there was nothing else

Good bye

Guess it wasn't too difficult to see the end of this

pale lips dripping with sweat

not from passion but from compromising

we could not be more opposite

Not sure where the attraction even came from

but that attraction has now completed faded

It is good to know what you don't want

to be more clear about what you do

and now I am sure that I don't want you

Pause

Moments fade like my breath

There is this moment

Slipping into silence

My fading youth will wash away the scent

Fires that burn too brightly

Consumed what was left

Now there is only ash

and the imprint of the flame

burned into my eyes from staring

We rushed in toward the center

Both hungry and war torn

Seeking solace and love

We found it for some time

but the reality of difference and pain

always sets in

the true test of commitment

is whether you can withstand discomfort

This contemplation arises

while there is still a burning ember

feed the red glow

and fan the flames once more

I hear the faint whisper from your tired voice

We have passed through the first eve

of fading memory

Do we have the strength

to keep from disappearing?

Unavailable

What a funny way to understand myself
through the reflection of the you
that was the me that I was projecting
While you were deflecting
It told me everything I need to know
About why I have this dichotomy
of wanting to love what is unavailable
because I know it can't love me back
because in truth I am not ready to be loved
at least not yet
and certainly not too much
I only attract that kind of love so that I can reject it
While this kind I reach out for,
and at the same time wouldn't really want
if it was given to me,
it's the one I hold on for
just hoping to enjoy it for the physical joy
because I am a girl who is so shallow
as to want to love for fun
and then be happy
to walk away
both of us unscathed
and only someone who is unavailable would be able to
share love with me in this way and not be afraid
at least that's how it works in my dreams
but they're never real...
and it never seems to really work that way

The end... and the beginning

The end has arrived
or rather the beginning
the beginning of life ever after
Life after the death of the semester
well, for the time being
I could decide to finish a Master's
as some point
long ways away
for now, I'll enjoy what will feel like freedom
freedom from being treated the way
children do
like they couldn't possibly have anything good to say
without the approval of a grade
The period has finally arrived to be
Fully alive
First by allowing my body its resting time
then by occupying my space with my choosing
not because I have been assigned
or because I am on a deadline
but because I want to spend my hours
in that particular fashion
No more required reading
No more critiques of my aesthetic dreaming
No more pretending to agree to get a letter for the record
No more dealing with the bullshit of the smoke screen of the lessons
Not that I didn't learn my lot and plenty of it
I certainly don't regret any moments
though I wonder how some could have played out
just a little bit different
Most of it has to do with the circumstances that surrounded
the life that was happening the whole while
and the real shit that had to be dealt with
while having to put up with much of the banal bullshit
but it's done now
I can move on
and go home.
Home, where my heart has been waiting
for the past year
when I left it there
to be held safely
It's been carefully protected
I want to be reunited with it
and with all of the people who have held it so close
My family of choosing
My wonderful community
who I long to be near
and grow old along with.
Pittsburgh, you magical hub of magical beings whom I so love dearly
I can't wait to reach back into your soil and
grow a steady foundation of roots to ground me
and dance to the music of the people who move me
and make art with the people who I find inspiring
and make love to someone
whoever that may be
I long for the life that is waiting for me
and the life that I am living now
will be a time of reflective peace
until that time comes
when I'm at the end of the beginning and
am finally simply exisiting

Artist Statement

She wants my artist statement
Cause she wants to give me a grade on it
she thinks I have to to write it all out
they all think you have something to prove
It's not enough to be
You have to say exactly why you are
And describe how
In words that no one even cares about
except that you have to do it
because those are the rules
So I gave her a few sentences
That were exactly the truth
Apparently they weren't enough
to suit her
I should have used more words
to say the same thing
So it looked like I had more to say
Because content never matters as much as appearance anyway

Content

I wonder sometimes what people think when they read my poetry
If they take my words too seriously
If they try to weave a story
If that were true I bet it would be confusing
Some of my poems are about specific people
A variety of them from the past
some who remain part of my present
whose relationships I am still working my feelings out with
because our entanglements were somewhat recent
Not just 'the big one' but a few minor ones too
but most of my poems aren't about anyone in particular
they're addressed to a fictional "you"
an ideal character who takes the form
of a variety of abstract figures
just a projection of my hopes and desires
what I want to bring into my future
abstract emotions of a longing to remember
love's fire

End of the Race

So close
The finish line is just ahead
Finally at the end able to run it out
Not crawling instead
Still a buzzing in my face
but I can handle that
What's at the end of this five year race?
Will I go home and grow some roots?
Can I make a difference and change the news?
Is my path defined and waiting for me
Or do I have a chance to re-carve it?
Will I meet a boy or will it be a girl?
Find a love and settle down?
The questions are still open
There's so much I still don't know yet
Still a few more weeks left
I finally feel the confidence to make it through
I'll look back at these days and laugh sometime soon

Unspoken

This narrative unspoken
You're watching behind
smoke screens and choking
On fears and indecision
She's watching closely to know
if there is something between us,
If there is it's news to me
I barely hear you breath
but I can feel your heart beat
Just not sure it's worth it
Chasing after some dream I had
Some vision of other wordly purpose
I want a soul that's fearless
That can see through the bullshit
distinguishing the truth from
the stuff that you see on the surface
Who isn't afraid to call it by name
To shout it out and say
I can see you, I can remember
the color of your veins
I know from which source
your emotion reins
From which color sky your sun hangs
and I can feel your skin even when it's
a million miles away

Missing the Race

Tortoise shell, tell me you're out there.
Can you see them run faster?
They are passing by, you wait for the sign.

Slow and steady is racing
Moving along in the slow lane
Not moving at all though, so are you afraid?

Would you rather hide in that shell and wait?
Disguising your eyes obscuring your face.
Well, have it your way, just to do your own thing.
In the end no one wins, our bodies are writhing
The exhaustion from running is wearing me thin

DJ play that song

I've been waiting
The sound never came through
There is a song I've been hoping to hear from you
Played gently
the notes drifting softly over a nice cup of tea
but maybe I have the wrong radio station
because the melody never came
I never heard your voice
Sing that song of newly discovered time-space machines
I heard a different song or two
Some other musician's tunes
The music is pretty good so I'll keep listening
I'm still open to all different kinds of genres and muses
My guitar keeps my company most of the time anyway
I do still like the recordings of what other people do
Writing songs together might be the thing too
Write a whole new tune about discovering
and mastering the universe
What words would we write?
How many lines would it require
To express the deepest connections to the earth
To forces of drifting deaths and births
and cycles of hearts beating and sounds of life's breath?
This is what our song would be
An homage to the life, to unity
and to the fullness of truth
For now, I'll keep listening for distant sounds from you

My Triniti

I remember all those years ago
when I first saw you
You came into that weird little office training room
and I recognized you
Only I didn't
But I had already been told so much about your soul
And it was a totally random place to
run into you
Since it was such an unknown little niche
Of a magazine sales group
I had no idea that you worked there
But the minute I saw you I knew
Our connections to each other
were completely obscure
Dane used to talk about what an amazing person you were
Then there was Oliver
We both had our run-in with the darker side of his nature
(Now of course, he is a much different
He gave up his ghosts long ago
He's married to another old friend
They also have three children
We don't have much to say to each other
though I still talk to her
A bit, now and then)
From that first moment, you and I were
constantly connected
By magic, by friendship,
by a higher calling
Neither of us truly understood back when
I remember the piece of petrified wood
You brought me back from a trip that you took
I remember talking forever about everything in the universe
I wish I could remember any of the words
Then you left
I was already heading into what would become my own darkness
You were headed to a life of making roots
And for over a decade I heard nothing from you
After many years of searching
I had already given up hope
A few months later you appeared out of smoke
Now what?
We never finished some kind of work
Not that anyone's work is ever done in their own lives
But you and I
We have a work to do that is unified
I'm just not clear yet
On how, what or why
The details will make sense over time
I'm just glad to have you back in my life

Natural

Do you remember when life stood before you
as a sea of endless possibilities?
It seemed as if the
future rested on infinity
Infantile beliefs
Because some things, no matter how much you dream
Or how much energy you concentrate
Simply can't be
There are laws to abide, and
though they are constantly changing
For some hopes, the laws don't change fast enough
There may not be just one way or
Just one anything that is the only
But evolution is limited
by realistic constraints
By concurrent events for example
Timing and locus of space
Compatible elements are also considerations
Is it natural selection?
Or does that answer lie with
Predestination?
Or is it somewhere in the center
Like a choose your own adventure
Where the options you have
the power to choose between
are just a few
and whoever wrote the damn book
Was the one who arranged them for you
So the degree of decision is fixed in at least some ways
Just like political democracy
Just like when your mother asked
if you wanted a something in blue or green?
Fusia just wasn't one of those choices
Some people have more possibilities than others
Sometimes it's a random luck of the draw
Sometimes it has to do with what you happened upon
Or who happened upon you
For some of us I guess
being limited is somewhat good
It's easy to get lost when there is too much to choose from
So having some of the direction of life
Seem more or less inevitable
As if there was really the only thing in the end that even made any sense
Can sometimes feel wonderful
Maybe there is some kind of guiding force
Leading us to the road we are best equipped to explore
That we have all the built in abilities for
Where our talents will be the most use
But then this whole thought process
Comes from someone who enjoys privileges
That lots of people all over the globe will never know
Does happiness depend on the freedom to choose?
Or in making each moment count for something
more than what you have been limited to?

Nerve Damage

I think I'm losing my senses
A senseless fear I am having
Nerves are a tangled mess
I am standing here quietly
Part of my nervousness is
That I will lose this feeling
and my legs will give in or
That the earth will disappear beneath or
That a cycle is repeating
and I will be lost wandering.
I forget the words
Then begin to stutter it out
don't move, don't even breathe
Till it all breaks down,
shattered images of dreams
Is this a smoke screen?
Meant to test my balance?
virtual vertigo has me shaking
My equilibrium is shot
Still I feel like I can hear the voice call
through the entanglement of feelings
pitched at a high frequency
The sound barely audible
'Fly' it seems to yell,
or is it saying 'slide'?
I'll try to keep my grounding
and walk forward
Hoping my eyes are really open
so I can see the whole time
Which direction I am going

Stratum

The layers of me
toposphere
subdivided by geography
geologically speaking
mountainous peaks
and deep valleys
let's not forget the rivers
and lakes and numerous oceans
rolling hills and
flat fertile land
there is enough to be occupied
just trying to understand
my surface variability
Then if you can dig deep
And make your way
through the crusty layer
being careful to avoid
the tectonic plates
if you're short on luck
some seriously dangerous quakes could errupt
You could find yourself stuck
trying to break though the mantle
It's a pretty tough shell
But underneath
if you ever managed to reach it
is the core of my being
that is mostly this hot liquid
source of iron rich energy

Clocks

How long is long enough?
How soon is too soon for love?
Does the heart understand
the passing...

of clocks

tick
tock
tick
tack
Bong!

goes the beating of drums

Can you know right away
which experiences are the ones that last long?
If you look through the veil
can you see what awaits?
Or is there always a period
of appropriate waiting?
Before you can know
If what you feel is merely fleeting
Or the kind of thing of future dream's making...
I'll keep my eye on the time


until...

The alarm starts !! R I N G I N G !!

The I can begin screaming

"It's finally time for love!!"

Proportional Matters

While some wait
hoping for a sign to illuminate the stones
Others move forward
Walking with bold force toward
what the heart wants
what the soul needs
They can hear an inner voice
ushering them on
Trusting the dark energy of intuition
Over the illusion of light given by photons
What is the Universe made of?
From what astronomers theorize
it would seem mostly unknown materials
So where do we find ourselves
relying on rational thought alone?
Somewhere wandering in the flat confines of space
where time is as relative as location of place
Does it matter then,
if you depend on the energy portion
of Einsteins equation?
Equating it all with pure energy
and trusting something that you can feel
rather than see
giving extra weight
to the scales of of intuition over reason
Making the gut's feelings shine brighter
Than what the mind can perceive

Aether this is or is not

Time becomes irrelevant
days become weeks
and years become seconds
there is only this face
fading in rather than out
eons have passed since the last
or our first embrace
Cleopatra herself had not
graced books of loves history
since we were last together
imaginations glory
inventing stories to tell children
creativity flows freely
between our souls
The joy of made up memories
or remembering what
has not yet happened
Both are much the same
both lead to a future of
your own making
and a past that is the future
Nothing much matters
in the scheme of things
So why not give in
to the process of remembering
what you already know
I was like a thirsty traveler
alone in the dessert
suddenly water arose
from air under my nose
I drank from that fountain
and the water was real
and quenched my thirst
I can't seem to leave it's comfort
Less it disappear
turning out to be a mirage
of all my hopes

Inspired

Inspirations come in many forms
Like the perfume of a magnolia
With it's huge white flowers, petals unfurled
Or the sudden appearance
Of a form once familiar
Smiling with remembrance
Energetic connection that's brilliant
Could be a missive
some sacred words you desperately needed
a sentiment with abstruse meaning
Even the messenger can't understand the feeling
Whatever has inspired, however divine
It is in these moments that life feels alive

The other side on my way to the end...

The forces have frozen,
no signs of disarming,
the air is arctic and
locutions hang.
Dissemination of allure,
dissolving into aversion.
Find myself wishing,
like I never have before,
for the soft folds of warm blankets,
heat of arms to wrap around.
White flag is waving
the sound an echo,
silence like frosted metal
shroud between worlds

Reality Check

I need some experiential material
my writing is becoming drab and meaningless
the "you" is so generic
because the absence of person is so apparent
Living a life of the ascetic
without even intending it
I want to get to the stuff of being alive
all I can do from here is make up fictional lives
to be intimate with
after a while
it's really fucking boring

Many bodies of love...

One form, soft and
curves that swirl around in circles
sweet feminine lines
I could spend all night
The other figure rough
with geometry tumbling
My own body feeling soft underneath
breathing in the scent of sweat
and feeling the force of love
Moving fluidly along the spectrum
of sexual tensions
My fantasies tonight include both specimens
Of beautiful human potential

Flood Waters

Washed along the flume
Cherry blossom blooms
This storm has caused
a flood in every watershed
All along the loam
The caves are caving in
you aren't safe in them
So come out of your hiding space
a rainbow is approaching

Diving In

I'm looking for a deep body of water
Someplace with a spot
where there aren't too many rocks
and I can feel safe and confident
That it would be a sensual pleasure to dive in
The sensation of breaking the tension of the surface
with my hands stretched out, body extended
and how the warmth of the liquid
would cover over me whole
opening my eyes underneath
To look out at the colors of the aquatic forms

Fire or stone?

Between brick and fire
Which to choose?
One gives you a stable home
One ignites your heart with poems
One grounding, the other disintegrating
Love can be a blaze with passions coals
Or it can be a dry place and somewhat cold
Can you have both?
A grounded union, that is also like nuclear fusion?
A place to find comfort as well as fury?
I sure hope so
They are both the love I want

Prayer to the Universe

Please help me to open my heart chakra
so that love may enter as much as departs
Please help me open my throat chakra
So that I may speak truth at each moment
Please help me open my third eye chakra
so that I may see clearly what direction I need
and, oh wait, one more thing
also give me the strength to proceed
Show me forgiveness
so that I may forgive
and give me the courage
to climb one more hill

One Love

It is You to whom I speak
and you who has sparked my match
who has flung me from the depths of my creative hollow
and given me the power
to remember what my inner voice's needs are
If I might be so bold
as to express how I feel in the safety of these words
I've given out love for reason's much more dull
and I love whatever gives me inspiration
and I can't tell you how
You have gifted me with yourself
and inspired in me so much
and so I love Yyou
and I know what you'll say though
I don't even know you
Some people are afraid of that word
they believe can only be
a very particular and certain kind of feeling
Reserved for one kind of person
But love, my friend, for me
Is an act of warmth and respect
The way I honor what I see in you
Which is the divinity that makes you You
and I elect to love Yyou fully
With no obligations of a story
Love is a gift
I want to share
honor with action
But it doesn't really mean much more that that
Until I learn about the meat, bones and flesh
That makes You you
That's about as far as this love can get
at this juncture
Just a simple recognition
and deep appreciation
that I Am me
and you are You
and we are the We
who are all connected with Love anyway

Coincidental Moment

Is it so difficult to recognize
when something magic has arrived?
Something so special that words can't surmise
the beauty of its arrival?
Like two people passing each other
stopping briefly to share eye contact.
Feeling a pulse of confusion,
wondering if it's imagination or maybe delusion
or if there is a shared sense of connection
like knowing each other is somehow important.
Do you shrug off the sensation?
Toss it off to a coincidence of location?
Or do you make the leap of faith
and take the risk of rejection?
Letting yourself be open
to something you can't know yet.

A poem by RUmi I find inspiring...

LOOKING For Your Face

From the beginning of my life
I have been looking for your face
but today I have seen it

Today I have seen
the charm, the beauty,
the unfathomable grace
of the face
that I was looking for.

Today I have found you
and those that laughed
and scorned me yesterday
are sorry that they were not looking
as I did.

I am bewildered by the magnificence
of your beauty
and wish to see you with a hundred eyes.

My heart has burned with passion
and has searched forever
for this wondrous beauty
that I now behold.

I am ashamed
to call this love human
and afraid of God
to call it divine.

Your fragrant breath
like the morning breeze
has come to the stillness of the garden
You have breathed new life into me
I have become your sunshine
and also your shadow.

My soul is screaming in ecstasy
Every fiber of my being
is in love with you

Your effulgence
has lit a fire in my heart
and you have made radiant
for me
the earth and sky.

My arrow of love
has arrived at the target
I am in the house of mercy
and my heart
is a place of prayer.

Ativan

This medication is making a drone out of me
but at least I am not constantly on the brink of tears
thinking and fears overpowering
my normal nature of will and exuberance
I am sorting through the mess of complicated emotions
and well, I am a pisces, so I have that watery disposition
that makes difficult times feel like a wave toppling over me
but everything is all right and I will be fine
and I know deep within that I need to reach some inner peace
through this process where I will finally understand
what is happening in my body and my brain
so I can move toward the steps to regain my usual and more cheerful state

Between the lines...

Is there something you're looking for
when you read between my lines?
Something that's not being said?
Something to dress yourself up in?
You can see my lips open yet you seem
unhappy with the things being spoken
Are you not finding my words clear ?
I always thought of my speech as crystal
and the language I use as straightforward
Maybe you have to have the right state of mind
to absorb the metaphors I verbalize

Discovery...

As familiar as my handprint
as foreign as a new film
I want to peel back the layers of protection
to see what they're covering
I want to knead the forms between my fingers
understand every line and curve
touching each of the square inches
and become intimately connected to the surface
read the textures like brail
giving raised clues about the content of the messages
I want to know what sounds can be made
from inside and out
I want to have my taste buds aroused
by the smell
I want the discovery to last long
and for the experience to be mutual

The Unknown

Opening the doors to mystery
letting loose into the world the acceptance
of not knowing
of not needing to know
I use these words to sort through the riddles
in my heart and soul
The deepest questions that need only
to be formulated and released
the answers always remain unknown
and once the letters form words
and the words form into poems
it no longer matters what I needed them for
I enjoy just seeing their form
Letting the sounds become the meaning alone

Free

Silver lines the inside of this hideaway space
lithograph prints of memories replace
pictures of lovers and mothers
Duck for cover in the shade of a branch
Want to take nature by her breasts
and drink until her nectar overflows
I'd like to run with the wildest of beasts
and dance in the oldest of forests
Naked
With not even my stories to clothe me
One day I'll be free from my confinement
Free from the history and space that defines me

Remembering

Sometimes I get wispy
thinking
how it might be better if we were still together
then I begin to remember
the silence that would occur
when our communication was broken
which happened quite often
or the feeling of isolation
that I felt next to you
wishing you loved me
not sure if you would
not sure if you could
I remember everything I gave
In so many ways
and I remember how often you reciprocated
which, until I left for this wasteland
was not on a regular basis
We did have our beautiful moments
Which I've been guilty of reveling
In my loneliness
and inflating
because the truth is that we were not very healthy
for most of our years
so when I can remember this
I am relieved again
that the situation did come to an end
and that we have found a way
to retain a relationship as friends

Good Morning

"Good morning you"
Reverberations of hello
echoing against the deadpan
the waste land of this room
Eyes closed rainbow
of vibrant blues, greens
oceans of memory
you somehow slip between
the violence of violet
and yellows yelling through
window sill, wind is still
glistened morning dew
daffodils are heralding
and leaves are peeking out
Good morning morning
wake up and get me out

Dreaming

I have been so enamored with the ideas
of the symbolic nature of thoughts and feelings
that I am spending all of my time dreaming.
I must confess that my present is static at best
and my daily life is lacking the kind of connections
that feed my heart and my soul nourishment.
So by creating a world of delusional joy
my daydreaming state allows me to escape
into a realm where symbols and poetry can be romanticized,
in, what some might consider, an unhealthy way
but in truth my delusions aren't really delusional
because I don't give them any real weight
that is the beauty of the beauty of art
that is why continue to write

Still have a mouth full of pennies...

Body broken, the system is flawed
My diagnosis is empty
So I keep looking
Playing doctor for myself
I keep trying new theories out
Having more blood tests drawn
and get no definitive results
I will keep on keeping on
Because the symptoms keep cycling back
and its hard to not want to sleep
My mom now thinks
I have some kind of neoplasia condtion
which would mean
that I have a tumor somewhere
some unwanted growing mass
possibly in my pituitary gland
causing neurological breakdown
as well as endocrine malfunction

Playing Games

I've never been one to play
competitive kinds of games
Inevitably the same ones
where a loser in named
Where a score card is kept to keep track
Of relative loss versus relative gain
But that doesn't mean I don't like to engage
in other means of entertainment
games where everyone wins something
Or where there's nothing to gain but enjoyment

Spring

There are birds singing songs I haven't heard in so long just outside my window
I can hear them making calls to one another from tree branches bud-speckled
In just a week's time those trees will be covered in blossoms of many colors
The birds aria's are alarms ringing in the life beginning to stir from slumber

New

My poetic musings for a night's boredom to dissolve
I am placing you somewhere in the stature of muse
since I hardly know more than one night of your energy
I can invent you into the embodiment of "mystery"
Channeling my lost electricity into the creative space
Where new life springs in shoots out of newly warmed earth
and the delicate green must be nurtured and attended
kind of like the seedlings of the newest of connections
My imagination is loose and so maybe running away
it does that when my body feels chained to time and space
so I will continue on the wholehearted notion that
pancakes taste better when shared together with
someone who cares about beauty in places others see as mundane

a song is born from a poem...

You have been sitting cross-legged and naked

soul of an ancient and heart of a child

Eyes like the ocean when storm clouds receded

craving the grounding to connect to this world

but the only thing keeping you locked is the shell

it lies and tells you that you're safe insular

come out of your shadow, the sun she will greet you

come out of your shadows let love set you free

You'll see your reflection just look in my mirror

I can see through you, you've not hidden well

look through my eyes you'll see the stories

transparent, protective like skin round your bones

but the only thing keeping you locked is the shell

it lies and tells you that you're safe insular

come out of your shadow, the sun she will greet you

come out of your shadows let love set you free

We've traveled lengths in search of truth's song

Turning over the ruble, stones and debris

desperately searching for love's validation

that we are worthy, allowed to receive

but the only thing keeping you locked is the shell

it lies and tells you that you're safe insular

come out of your shadow, the sun she will greet you

come out of your shadows let love set you fre